AbortionNO Message Board ~ View topic - death of my baby and death of my soul

Joined: 13 Mar 2006 Posts: 7

Dear Reader,

Each passing moment I think about all these young girls and women queuing at the clinic for an abortion wishing they didn’t have to face such a huge life changing decision, and above all I think about all these little helpless lives that didn’t ask to come in the first place, but once here only ask to be loved. I’m filled with the deepest sadness to think that right now as I’m writing, a woman is either walking in the theatre just seconds away from loosing her child, this defenseless being who is about to be parted away from his mother on which he is totally reliant to live, or this woman is already asleep in the hands of doctors performing this irreversible act. I know that nothing will ever bring my baby back, but if those lines could save at least one innocent life and a woman from the torments an abortion can bring, then here is what I’m going through after an abortion.

I try to pull myself together, but I can't. I can't cope with what's happened and don't know how I will. I just know that I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. I know it was my decision, but I was just too scared...and so, irresponsible...one more time. Every time I tell myself that there is nothing else to do but to move on, I began to wonder if I even have the right to. I didn't allow this child to have a life and now I find it hard to think “well I’m just going to get on with mine”...that makes me feel even more guilty and selfish. Everybody says it's only fresh and that's why I feel like this now, but I know it's just the beginning of endless torments, remorse, guilt and torture.

A part of me knows that I have to leave this place to move on and another part wants to stay where my baby has lived, where he was given to me...he has somehow filled this place with the memory of his short life...and he is somehow still here...maybe with his little soul at the very least.

I now believe that my mixed feelings about keeping him were a lot to do with the hormones more than anything else.

I now can't stop thinking of these last few minutes with my baby when I walked into the theatre. I suddenly, finally coming to my senses, burst into tears as I saw the scene where I was just about to allow people to take his life. I was filled with horror at the sight of this big room with this black bed where he was going to be killed, where I was going to be parted from him, and him from me. As soon as I saw this room I felt death and just as if I was on auto-pilot I carried on walking towards this bed and just followed and obeyed instructions, when all I should have done was walking back out. I was his mother and it was up to me to protect him, not to give him in the hands of these murderers. I can't tell you my disgust to think that when I finally woken up from this insane mistake, from my murdering act I was about to commit, and told them to stop, they just went ahead and put me to sleep when I couldn't do anything about it. When I pulled this oxygen mask off my face in a desperate attempt to stop this madness and allow my child to have his rights, to have a life and to be loved, I was already feeling myself going and didn’t have the strength to fight or even move. It just happened so quickly, yet those few seconds will stay with me for the rest of my life. I know it might make a lot of people think that it's easy to say that now, because I’ve had plenty of time to think about it beforehand and that I was fully aware of what I was doing. But from that moment, I have not only killed my own flesh and blood, but I’ve also turned my life upside down and will never be the person I was before.

When I left the building, I looked at it knowing I would never ever come back there, that never ever I would do anything like this again...and yet once again I feel selfish to have thought that way, because I could leave...and start a life afresh, but my baby couldn’t, he stayed there. All the tears I cry for him, for my selfish acts (to have made him come in the first place and then to get rid of him) will never bring him back. And perhaps where he is now he's OK, but that hurts me even more knowing that he's not even angry with me. I just want to scream, but nothing will ever bring him back. It might have been only few days, but I just feel worse each day. I was reading the leaflet on the abortion from the clinic and still hoped that it could somehow have failed, but I’m bleeding, I don't feel sick anymore, my stomach is getting flat and I know the baby is gone. Each minute, each second has now become torture. I wish I could just sleep and not think about it...and every time I try to go to sleep I’m even scared of forgetting for that split second that he's gone when I wake up and going through the shock of what I’ve done again.

And now I’m sitting here on my own thinking about this all, not having even the strength to leave because this is where I was once given this chance, this is where my baby was perhaps hoping to to come along. I've abandoned him once and I’m hurt to abandon him one more time. Voilà, this is the way I feel and I hope you will not mind me telling you about it, but that's just the way it is...and I would be lying if I said I was OK, or things are going to be OK, because I know they won't. You know people say that I should love myself, but how? How can I love myself for what I’ve done? I've been hurt in my life, but I never felt so much distress and so lost ever before. This is the result of my own act...on someone that was defenseless, that had never asked to come, and that was entirely relying on me, his own mother, to protect him, to take care of him and to give him the best, and I just didn't...because I just thought that was just not convenient...for me.

I know that now it’s too late and there’s no point in wondering what if, but it just makes me feel worse knowing that it was just a matter of time, that my baby could have been and that my baby and I (and even his father who didn’t want to know about him) could have been happy. Now instead I have to face a life of guilt and torments as well as its emptiness that I already knew so well. I hope that I didn’t bother you going on about the way I feel, but I just can’t pretend anything else than this sad and painful reality. Take care.

Joined: 13 Mar 2006 Posts: 3

I cannot say I know how you feel completely but I do understand the loss.I myself have lost by miscarriage five of my own and my daughter I lost at four and half months to SIDS.I do not know what to say to offer you any comfort except you have to forgive yourself before you can be ok again.We all have made choices we regret in the long run and healing takes time and support.As far as your child he is not lost and is very much still with you no matter the circumstances.Whatever your reason for your choice he is safe and will never know pain.I hope my words helped some.

I'm sorry both of you Sad

I can't imagine...

Joined: 18 Apr 2008 Posts: 4 Location: Oregon

I'm so sorry...